I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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