My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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