At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
