Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
