in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
