The maid of honor just puked.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
