why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
