ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
