if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
