I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
