Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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