if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize