If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
