he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
