I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
