Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
