oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
