My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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