Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
