I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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