I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
