right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
