yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
