i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
