my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
