also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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