Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she told me i tasted like america
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Mom said you looked used
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
