Little spoons don't ask big questions
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
