it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
