Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
