Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
