Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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