it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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