areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
