I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
