he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
