tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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