it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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