Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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