When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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