I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
