Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
