matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
