You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
