I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
