the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize