There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
