I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize