Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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