Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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