I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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