dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
