Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
