My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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