How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
