I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
