How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
